Blues Brothers Cross Stitch Pattern – If the Shit Fits…

This Blues Brothers cross stitch pattern is now available in my Etsy shop!blues brothers cross stitch pattern if the shit fits wear it

This project is a quote uttered by no other than Donald “Duck” Dunn, base player for the band. He says this line after they had played at Bob’s Country Bunker, a rowdy country and western bar.

This is a funny (and rude) take on the old saying “If the shoe fits, wear it,” which is quite an old idiom in itself.

From this and his other lines in the movie, it’s plain to see that Donald Dunn was no actor, but he was a great musician. In 1992 he was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as a member of Booker T and the MG’s, and his musical accomplishments, including recording sessions with Stax Records and extensive touring and performing with everyone from Muddy Waters to Eddie Vedder, are the stuff of legend.

I was lucky enough to see him in person when he was touring with Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young in the mid-2000’s. I had no idea he was with the band until he appeared on stage. I may have been more excited to be in the same room with a member of the Blues Brothers band than with CSNY!

I stitched the green lettering in DMC 4047, one of their gorgeous variegated flosses. This project is small so it stitches up quickly, and it’s perfect for beginners and more experienced stitchers alike.

blues brothers cross stitch pattern shit. what. rollers. no. yeah. shitThe Blues Brothers is about as good a comedy movie as you will ever see, thanks in part to lots of quotes like this. This is my second Blues Brothers cross stitch pattern, the first being this “rollers” project. I’m pretty confident that I will create even more projects honoring this outstanding movie in the future as well.

Morning Person Cross Stitch Project

This “not morning person” cross stitch pattern, now available in my Etsy shop, is perfect for all your favorite A.M. curmudgeons!not morning person cross stitch pattern no surprises before 9:00 AM

It’s a warning to whomever just can’t wait to share something awful with you… before you are properly awake and aware. It’s perfect for your kitchen, bathroom, desk – wherever family members and coworkers are likely to find you too early and try to ruin your whole morning.

You know the kinds of awful early surprises that “not morning persons” loathe. “The dog just threw up on the carpet.” “I have to bring snacks for the team today.” “I need a Ben Franklin costume by noon.” “My Mother will be staying for a few weeks.” “The car won’t start.” “The whole presentation was deleted last night.” “Our entire email system is locked up.” “Our auto insurance has expired.” Ah yes, the early body blows to your morale just keep on coming.

It’s not like you can’t deal with these challenges – of course you can. You just can’t deal with them quite YET.
Smiling Dog [explore]

[A totally adorable not me smiling first thing in the morning by Allen Skyy via Flickr]

I wish I would have stitched this saying of mine years ago. Before about 9 o’clock, and especially if I haven’t had breakfast yet, nasty surprises have a rather detrimental effect on my personality. My family can provide reams of evidence on this point. Displaying this sign may have saved us all a lot of… um… let’s just say “trouble.”

Use this not morning person cross stitch project to give your friends, family, and coworkers a funny and fair warning. With it’s black and yellow caution tape border and unmistakable message, it will tell them very quickly that 1) you are not a morning person, and 2) if they cross the line and give you some bad news now, they will have to share in the consequences. Fair enough!

Monty Python Fruit Cross Stitch Pattern

This Monty Python fruit cross stitch pattern is now available in my Etsy shop!monty python fruit cross stitch list from self defense against fresh fruit sketch

This project comes from the Monty Python sketch about self defense against homicidal maniacs armed with fresh fruit. John Cleese plays a drill sergeant training four hapless recruits. All the fruit they have trained for is on this list, plus one item deemed too “high and mighty” for their meager lot. In spite of the fact that I’ve seen this sketch repeatedly, “…and mangoes in syrup” cracks me up every single time I hear it.

This bizarre and hilarious sketch first appeared on their BBC show in a 1969 episode called “Owl Stretching Time” and they recreated the first half of the sketch for their movie “And Now for Something Completely Different.”

Monty Python’s Flying Circus ran from 1969 to 1974, creating a body of very silly and subversive comedy sketches that are still as bizarre today as they were then. If you’re unfamiliar with them, I recommend you start with either the BBC TV show, or the movie “And Now for Something Completely Different,” which is some of their best sketches from their first two seasons recreated with a higher production budget.

After their TV show, the popularity of Monty Python only kept growing. The troupe went on to create Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Life of Brian (my personal favorite), and the Meaning of Life, stirring up controversy at nearly every turn and even serious academic analysis along the way.

monty python cross stitch pattern - Mind you, moose bites can be pretty nastyI have another Monty Python cross stitch pattern currently available, based on the entirely silly opening credits of their movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I also have a project in the works that features another popular sketch from their BBC show so stay tuned for that!


In the meantime, check out this Monty Python fruit cross stitch pattern… and the next time “some great homicidal maniac comes at you with a bunch of loganberries, don’t come crying to me!”

Gluten in Your Muffin Cross Stitch Pattern

This Gluten in Your Muffin cross stitch pattern is now available in my Etsy shop!

gluten in your muffin cross stitch pattern

The quote for this project is from a 2015 episode of Saturday Night Live with Kevin Hart as the host. The line comes from a very funny sketch about gentrification in Bushwick, Brooklyn.

Kenan Thompson uttering “You actin’ like someone put gluten in yo’ muffin” just cracked me up – especially with all of the increased gluten awareness these days.

I also love the idea of the “artisanal mayonnaise” shop, which as it turns out IS REAL. Entrepreneur has an article about how the Empire Mayonnaise company of Brooklyn embraced the SNL sketch and even released a flavor inspired by it. The Wall Street Journal has an article about Empire Mayonnaise’s operation, about a year after it opened in 2012. Bacon flavored mayo sounds pretty good!

I used two DMC variegated flosses in this project – pink 4180 and blue 4022. The variegated pink was used for the flower petals around the dark pink center, and I really love how they turned out – each flower is just slightly different.

gluten in your muffin DMC variegated floss 4180 rose petals

And I am so thrilled with the variegated blue in this whimsical font – it’s just gorgeous, and looks even better in person (although as it appears in the photo at top isn’t too shabby).

gluten in your muffin dmc variegated floss 4022 mediteranean sea

I carry both flosses in my shop, if you want to take a closer look – Rose Petals 4180 and Mediterranean Sea 4022.

Nearly everyone knows someone who is going gluten free either for medical reasons or for other general health issues. If they have a good sense of humor, you know they would just LOVE this little Gluten in Your Muffin project. It stitches up quickly, it’s silly and cute, and it would make a great gift!

Blues Brothers Cross Stitch Pattern “Rollers”

This Blues Brothers cross stitch pattern is now available in my Etsy shop!blues brothers cross stitch pattern shit. what. rollers. no. yeah. shit

The quote comes from the 1980 movie “The Blues Brothers” starring John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd. The movie is a classic that has achieved cult status, and for good reason. First off, it has a great plot and it’s hilarious. Also, the movie has performances by some of the best blues artists who ever existed: Aretha Franklin, James Brown, Cab Calloway, John Lee Hooker, and Ray Charles among others. On top of the music, there are tons of cameos – from Twiggy and Frank Oz to Steven Spielberg, Paul Reubens, and John Candy.

Other than Belushi and Aykroyd, the Blues Brothers band were musicians, not actors (which is pretty obvious by their speaking parts) and their resumes are impressive. Check out these articles about just three of the musicians: Donald “Duck” Dunn, Steve Cropper, and Tom Malone. Dan Aykroyd plays a mean harmonica in the movie and in real life.

This Blues Brothers Cross Stitch pattern comes from the scene just before they demolish the mall. Elwood runs a red light, the police pursue with lights flashing. Elwood sees them in the rear view mirror, and starts the conversation. Although it’s brief, it’s a brilliant little exchange between the brothers, and it’s a favorite sequence of mine in a movie full of great lines.

The colors in the border of my pattern are a small nod to the red stars and light blue stripes of the Chicago city flag. Director John Landis said the movie was “conceived as a love letter to the city” and it’s true.

If you haven’t seen “The Blues Brothers” before, I can’t encourage you enough.

[Update May 2015: I’ve added a second Blues Brothers project to my pattern list – take a look!]

Polaroid Cross Stitch Pattern

This Polaroid cross stitch pattern is now available in my Etsy shop!polaroid cross stitch pattern

This was just pure fun for me. This lyric from the OutKast song “Hey Ya” has always cracked me up. And the song itself is just pop-funk-dance perfection – admit it, you’ve danced to this song!

After doing some research on the Polaroid logo, I tried to find colors for the border that were as close as possible to the originals. Especially with the rise of Instagram and their Polaroid-esque logo, the rainbow colors are almost instantly recognizable. They are striking against the black background I used, but they would look good on other color backgrounds as well.

When I first stitched the font, I used a metallic blue floss that was nearly the same color as the blue I ended up using. Unfortunately, the metallic was just a little too hard to see against the black background. However, I imagine that other metallic flosses would look terrific in this project.

Lend me some sugar. I am your neighbor!

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Life Sucks Cross Stitch Pattern “…so why not be a schmuck?”

This Life Sucks cross stitch pattern is now available in my Etsy shop!life sucks cross stitch pattern life sucks so why not be a schmuck?

This quote comes from Chevy Chase movie “Modern Problems.” The antagonist, played by none other than Dabney Coleman, has an incredibly abrasive personality. At one point in the movie he says “You gotta understand something. Life sucks, so why not be a schmuck?” He uttered the line in a slightly southern drawl, which makes it just that much richer.

Dabney Coleman probably is best known for playing jerks. Among other roles, he was the evil boss in “9 to 5,” the womanizing soap opera director in “Tootsie,” and a government spy director opposite Tom Hanks in “The Man with One Red Shoe.” In Modern Problems, he plays Mark Winslow, a Dr. Phil type therapist who calls everyone “a manipulatin’ son-of-a-bitch.” Here’s a clip of him in character:

According to IMDB, Dabney has said that “I’ve played good guys and nice guys, but the truth is I’d rather be nasty than nice. The bad guys are always better written and more fun to play.”

Modern Problems may not be the most popular of all of Chevy Chase’s movies, but it surely has some funny moments thanks to a talented cast that included Patti D’Arbanville, Mary Kay Place, Nell Carter, and Brian Doyle-Murray.

I personally don’t subscribe to the idea of being a schmuck (at least not on purpose). In fact, my Life Sucketh Not pattern released earlier in 2014 more accurately reflects my philosophy. However, there are those curmudgeons out there – tactless, sometimes rude, and they really don’t care if they offend someone. This project is for them!

This Life Sucks cross stitch pattern stitches up quickly and is good for beginners and experienced stitchers alike! As a fun touch, I used DMC Variegated Floss 4210 (Radiant Ruby) for the lettering and in the flowers and it turned out prettier than I had imagined.

Spinal Tap Cross Stitch

This Spinal Tap cross stitch pattern is now available in my Etsy shop!spinal tap cross stitch you can't really dust for vomit pattern

This pattern is perfect for anyone who appreciates this hilarious movie that has turned into a cult classic. And if you’ll note, the border pattern is of little Stonehenge stones “in danger of being crushed by a dwarf.” Even if you haven’t seen the movie, I guarantee that you know some of the lines.

This particular quote comes from a scene where they explain how Stumpy Joe, one of their innumerable previous drummers, died. You can see it in this clip:

“This is Spinal Tap” is so near reality that, according to IMDB, “guitarist The Edge said about this movie, ‘I didn’t laugh, I wept. It was so close to the truth.'”

11 Real-Life Stories Behind Spinal Tap Movie Moments and 20 Most Insane Real Life Spinal Tap Moments give you a good idea of the truth The Edge spoke about. From Nigel’s fit over the size of the catered bread to the band getting lost on it’s way to the stage, and from Derek being trapped in the pod to David’s meddling astrological girlfriend, all bands big and small have seen similar scenes unfold.

There is a sweet side to the story of the movie. Jamie Lee Curtis saw a photo of writer and actor Christopher Guest (Nigel) in Rolling Stone Magazine around the time that Spinal Tap was released. Without ever meeting him before, she said “I’m going to marry that man.” Within the year, she did, and they’ve been married ever since.

This Spinal Tap cross stitch project stitches up quickly and is suitable for both beginners and experienced cross stitchers alike. It was fun to create this project!

Blazing Saddles Cross Stitch Read It Pattern

This new and fun Blazing Saddles cross stitch Read it… cross stitch pattern is now available in my Etsy shop!blazing saddles cross stitch read it pattern

The quote for this pattern comes from the “Harumph” scene. When his secretary has an urgent telegram from Rock Ridge, the Governor replies: “Read it, read it… you wild bitch.”

I have always thought that this quote would be a great present to a friend who is a voracious reader with a good sense of humor. I can also see this going to women who appreciate writers such as Dorothy Parker, Anais Nin, Alice Munro… there’s just too many excellent woman writers to list here.

Here’s a clip of the scene. The “Read it…” quote comes at about 1:35 into this video:

I think it’s funny that while this quote is directed to a bubble-headed scantily-clad secretary, I have always thought of this project as for intelligent, independent-thinking literary women.

If you’re a new visitor to my blog and a Blazing Saddles fan, you might also want to see two of my previous projects (below). The first is a cross stitch of the list that Harvey Korman dictates; a list of the worst scum and scoundrels he wants Slim Pickens to round up to attack the town of Rock Ridge.Blazing Saddles

The second project comes from Lili Von Shtupp as played by Madeline Kahn. When someone knocks on her “dwessing woom” door, she replies “Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome, c’mon in!”blazing saddles cross stitch pattern willkommen bienvenue welcome c'mon in

I’m especially fond of the border of books on this project. I used two variegated flosses, DMC 4135 and DMC 4030 (both available in my Etsy shop), for the books in the border.

This Blazing Saddles cross stitch Read it… project stitches up quickly and is suitable for cross stitch beginners and experts alike. It was fun to put together!

Craig Ferguson Ass Mode Cross Stitch Pattern

This Craig Ferguson Ass Mode cross stitch pattern is now available in my Etsy shop!craig ferguson ass mode cross stitch pattern

This pattern comes from the intros to his Tweetmail (Tweets and emails) segment. This video shows the first jingle from the Twitter era, and it introduced us to “Ass Möde.”

“Ass Möde” must have hit someone’s funny bone as they carried the phrase over into every other intro. The jingles’ themes range from The Beatles and Bollywood to David Bowie and Japanese monster movies to 70’s glam rock and 80’s hair bands, but “Ass Möde” is always there.

Other than the original intro above, my favorite is the dance version in this next video (skip ahead to 1:38).

This pattern is perfect for all hobos and fans of Craig Ferguson and the Late Late Show, especially his Robot Skeleton Army. It’s great for beginners (and what better time to pick up a new craft?) and more experienced stitchers alike.

Craig will be leaving the Late Late Show, but Ass Möde lives on!

Update 12/30/14: I’ve bedazzled Ass Möde and it looks great!craig ferguson ass mode cross stitch pattern now bedazzled